This
article
was
forwarded
to
me
by
Andrew
Carrick,
may
many
blessing
be
upon
his
head
:-).
Instructions
for
giving
a
cat
a
pill
Method
One
- Pick
cat
up
and
cradle
it
in
the
crook
of
your
left
arm
as
if
holding
a
baby.
Position
right
forefinger
and
thumb
on
either
side
of
cat's
mouth
and
gently
apply
pressure
to
cheeks
while
holding
pill
in
right
hand.
As
cat
opens
mouth
pop
pill
into
mouth.
Allow
cat
to
close
mouth
and
swallow.
- Retrieve
pill
from
floor
and
cat
from
behind
sofa.
Cradle
cat
in
left
arm
and
repeat
process.
- Retrieve
cat
from
bedroom,
and
throw
soggy
pill
away.
- Take
new
pill
from
foil
wrap,
cradle
cat
in
left
arm
holding
rear
paws
tightly
with
left
hand.
Force
jaws
open
and
push
pill
to
back
of
mouth
with
right
fore-finger.
Hold
mouth
shut
for
a
count
of
ten.
- Retrieve
pill
from
goldfish
bowl
and
cat
from
top
of
wardrobe.
Call
spouse
from
garden.
- Kneel
on
floor
with
cat
wedged
firmly
between
knees,
hold
front
and
rear
paws.
Ignore
low
growls
emitted
by
cat.
Get
spouse
to
hold
head
firmly
with
one
hand
while
forcing
wooden
ruler
into
mouth.
Drop
pill
down
ruler
and
rub
cat's
throat
vigorously.
- Retrieve
cat
from
curtain
rail,
get
another
pill
from
foil
wrap.
Make
note
to
buy
new
ruler
and
repair
curtains.
Carefully
sweep
shattered
Doulton
figures
from
hearth
and
set
to
one
side
for
gluing
later.
- Wrap
cat
in
large
towel
and
get
spouse
to
lie
on
cat
with
head
just
visible
from
below
armpit.
Put
pill
in
end
of
drinking
straw,
force
mouth
open
with
pencil
and
blow
down
drinking
straw.
- Check
label
to
make
sure
pill
not
harmful
to
humans,
drink
glass
of
water
to
take
taste
away.
Apply
Band-Aid
to
spouse's
forearm
and
remove
blood
from
carpet
with
cold
water
and
soap.
- Retrieve
cat
from
neighbour's
shed.
Get
another
pill.
Place
cat
in
cupboard
and
close
door
onto
neck
to
leave
head
showing.
Force
mouth
open
with
dessert
spoon.
Flick
pill
down
throat
with
elastic
band.
- Fetch
screwdriver
from
garage
and
put
door
back
on
hinges.
Apply
cold
compress
to
cheek
and
check
records
for
date
of
last
tetanus
jab.
Throw
T-shirt
away
and
fetch
new
one
from
bedroom.
- Ring
fire
brigade
to
retrieve
cat
from
tree
across
the
road.
Apologise
to
neighbour
who
crashed
into
fence
while
swerving
to
avoid
cat.
Take
last
pill
from
foil
wrap.
- Tie
cat's
front
paws
to
rear
paws
with
garden
twine
and
bind
tightly
to
leg
of
dining
table,
find
heavy
duty
pruning
gloves
from
shed,
force
cat's
mouth
open
with
small
spanner.
Push
pill
into
mouth
followed
by
large
piece
of
fillet
steak.
Hold
head
vertically
and
pour
a
pint
of
water
down
throat
to
wash
pill
down.
- Get
spouse
to
drive
you
to
the
emergency
room,
sit
quietly
while
doctor
stitches
fingers
and
forearm
and
removes
pill
remnants
from
right
eye.
Call
at
furniture
shop
on
way
home
to
order
new
table.
- Arrange
for
RSPCA
to
collect
cat
and
ring
local
pet
shop
to
see
if
they
have
any
hamsters.
Method
Two
- Carefully
load
firearm.
.22
Calibre
firearms
are
preferred,
however
10,
12
and
20
gauge
shotguns
are
acceptable
alternatives.
- Take
careful
aim
at
the
back
of
the
cat's
head.
- Discharge
firearm
into
the
back
of
the
cat's
head.
Reload
and
repeat
until
the
cat
is
suitably
subdued.
If
you
have
previously
been
using
Method
One
this
may
take
several
shots.
- Place
the
pill
in
the
cat's
mouth.
- Bury
cat
behind
garage.
- Explain
to
spouse
and
children
that
the
cat
has
run
away.
NB.
This
second
method
may
be
a
little
tricky.
If
you
feel
that
you
are
not
confident
in
using
this
method
and
that
some
practice
is
required
before
attempting
to
give
your
cat
a
pill,
practicing
on
neighbourhood
cats
is
not
only
acceptable
but
is
also
highly
recommended.