| 1 Aug 1996 | |
| 1 Aug 1996 | - Cheltenham
Girls'
High
had
a
traumatic
day
recently
when
the
water
main
outside
the
school
burst,
putting
its
lavatories
out
of
action.
Sydney
Water
primes
to
have
the
water
back
for
11am
recess
-
but
then
another
section
of
the
pipe
split.
Portaloo
was
called
and
units
were
dispatched
to
the
school.
In
the
meantime,
students
were
sent
to
use
the
local
railway
station
loos.
The
crisis
passed
when
the
Portaloos
were
installed
by
1.50pm.
Why
do
we
tell
you
all
this?
Because
the
emergency
arrangements
were
made
by
Mr
T.D.
Radford,
who
obviously
took
his
position
as
relieving
principal
literally
- The
key
to
selling
a
property
is
its
adaptability.
For
example,
this
mutli-use
feature
of
an
Elanora
Heights
estate,
advertised
in
The
Manly
Daily:
"Outside
is
a
purpose-built
dam
that
doubles
as
a
swimming
pool,
stable,
workman's
shed
and
a
tennis
court".
|
| 2 Aug 1996 | - Did
we
say
that?
John
Huxley's
Finishing
Lines
from
Atlanta
yesterday:
"Which
brings
us
to
American
weightlifter
Mark
Henry.
He
stands
188m
tall
..."
Gee,
that's
an
awfully
long
way
to
bend
down
to
the
barbell.
|
| 6 Aug 1996 | - There
was
a
car
for
sale
in
Wyndham
Street,
Alexandria,
noted
Phil
Dimond,
of
Cherrybrook,
as
he
drove
by
yesterday.
A
man
was
putting
this
hand-lettered
sign
on
the
roof:
FOR
SALE:
X-wife's
car.
See
new
girlfriend
for
price.
|
| 7 Aug 1996 | - Congratulations
to
Another
Newspaper
for
its
historic
two-page
aerial
colour
picture
of
Sydney
Harbour
as
the
wraparound
with
its
Olympic
issue
yesterday.
It
brought
tears
of
nostalgia
as
we
gazed
at
the
city
without
the
Glebe
Island
Bridge
or
the
casino,
with
the
Harbour
Tunnel
and
the
ANA
Hotel
still
being
built.
The
Tunnel
and
the
ANA
both
opened
in
1992,
so
we
guess
the
picture
is
at
least
six
or
seven
years
old
-
and,
as
the
jacaranda
is
out,
it
must
have
been
November.
Perhaps
its
a
new
attempt
to
boost
circulation
with
a
Spot
What's
Missing
prize.
- Emmett
O'Keefe,
of
Killara,
bought
a
door
snake
-
one
of
those
stuffed
rolls
for
stopping
the
draught.
The
label
said
Draft
Dodger
-
Made
in
China.
"Does
the
Chinese
Army
have
a
recruitment
problem?"
he
asks.
|
| 8 Aug 1996 | - After
Karen
Picken,
of
Balgowlah,
wrote
to
the
Premier
about
woodchipping,
she
felt
honoured
to
receive
a
reply
signed
by
Bob
Carr.
"Dear
Ms
Picken,"
it
said,
"I
refer
to
your
letter
concerning
gun
control
..."
Someone
hit
the
wrong
button
on
the
stock-letter-of-reply
machine
- A
massage
parlour
in
Fyshwick,
ACT,
has
changed
its
name.
It
used
to
be
"First
Protocol".
From
this
week
it's
"Parlour
Ment
House".
- From
Macquarie
University's
library
comes
a
copy
of
a
leaflet
announcing
cancellation
of
classes
yesterday
and
a
rally
in
Town
Hall
Square.
It's
all
about
threatened
university
cuts
which,
the
leaflet
says,
may
result
in
"less
student
places".
We
agree
with
the
sender
-
it's
a
worry.
|
| 13 Aug 1996 | - Mum's
been
sick,
so
she
wasn't
able
to
give
the
Year
10
son
the
usual
check
-
hanky,
ticket,
money,
lunch,
homework.
So
he's
gone
to
school
from
Kirribilli
leaving
his
cut
lunch
behind.
What's
a
father
to
do?
How
many
fathers
have
faced
that
little
problem?
Simple
-
you
drop
the
lunch
in
at
the
school
on
the
way
to
work.
Which
is
exactly
what
John
Howard
did
last
Friday,
dashing
from
his
chauffeur-driven
car
into
Shore
school
at
North
Sydney,
through
the
grounds
to
deliver
the
lunchbag
to
forgetful
little
Richard.
- Life's
little
Mystery
No
489:
Driving
on
Ryde
Road,
near
Epping
Road,
on
Friday
afternoon,
Mary
Poirrier,
of
Wahroonga,
found
herself
behind
a
white
Toyota
with
this
intriguing
sign
on
the
back
window:
"CAUTION.
Vehicle
Frequently
Sideways".
What
can
it
mean?
- And
no
490:
A
Carlingford
housewife
answered
the
phone
at
9:45
on
Saturday
night.
A
very
upset
woman
at
the
other
end
gasped
out,
"Please
tell
Peter
that
I'm
sorry,"
then
hung
up.
There's
no
Peter
at
that
number
-
so
who
earned
the
apology?
|
| 16 Aug 1996 | - From
The
New
York
Times:
A
sign
outside
a
Louisville,
Kentucky,
animal
hospital:
VETERINARIAN
/
TAXIDERMIST.
Either
way,
you
get
your
dog
back.
- Peter
Cookson,
of
Roseville,
hopes
Japanese-English
has
disappeared
from
product
manuals,
but
says
it's
been
replaced
by
outlandish
claims.
His
new
cordless
phone,
the
instructions
say,
is
designed
to
filter
out
background
noise
and
enhance
the
quality
of
conversation
while
using
the
portable
handset.
Says
Mr
Cookson:
"My
wife,
after
exhaustive
tests,
tells
me
it
has
not
improved
the
quality
of
my
conversation
at
all."
|
| 22 Aug 1996 | - From
a
reader
calling
himself
Jeeves,
in
the
Customs
Service:
"I
just
wrote
a
letter
and
put
the
spell
checker
through
it.
The
checker
prompted
me
to
change
the
word
'Costello'
to
'Costly'.
Given
the
circumstances,
I
thought
it
rather
apt."
- On
a
recent
trip
to
Bangkok,
gem
merchant
Karen
Lindley,
of
Fairlight,
and
her
business
partner,
Bill
Hanington,
were
issued
with
new
American
Express
gold
cards.
What
to
do
with
the
old
ones?
The
problem
was
solved
when
Bill
stubbed
a
toe
on
his
left
foot
in
a
Bangkok
pothole
and
broke
it.
They
cut
up
an
old
card
and
made
a
split
for
his
toe.
"It
worked
brilliantly,"
says
Karen.
Never
leave
home
without
one?
|
| 2 Sep 1996 | - A
future
geometrician,
Helail
Diab,
of
Chester
Hill,
aged
7,
is
learning
at
Chester
Hill
North
Public
about
shapes.
The
definitions
he
gave
to
his
father,
Harry:
Rectangle:
"They're
long
and
skinny."
Square:
"They're
short
and
fat."
- We
won't
identify
this
reader
because
what
he's
doing
must
be
highly
illegal.
He
writes
from
Sydney
to
his
sistr
in
Canada
-
and
for
some
reason
his
stamps
never
get
the
Australia
Post
cancellation.
His
sister
soaks
them
off,
returns
them,
and
he
glues
them
to
the
next
envelope.
One
set,
he
says,
has
been
to
Canada
five
times,
but
looks
the
worse
for
wear.
Hmmmm.
- Different
values.
Competitions
advertised
in
our
newspaper
offer
prizes
such
as
holidays
and
TV
sets.
Bernie
Brennan,
of
Cammeray,
has
a
cutting
from
the
Post-Courier,
sent
by
his
brother-in-law,
a
missionary
in
Madang,
PNG.
The
SP
Brewery
needs
returns
of
SP
and
Pepsi
bottles,
and
advertises:
For
every
carton
or
crate
delivered
to
an
SP
Bottle
Collector
you
will
receive
a
ticket
in
a
draw
to
win
a
Pig.
|
| 11 Sep 1996 | - By
e-mail
from
James
Lloyd,
an
astronomer
at
the
South
Pole
-
a
comment
on
the
"South
Pole,
cool,
-61"
entry
in
the
weather
notes
last
week
(Column
8,
Friday):
"The
truly
funny
thing
is
that
it's
not
funny.
It's
accurate.
In
the
context
of
South
Pole
weather,
cold
is
more
in
the
range
of
-70
to
-80,
and
warm
is
-50
or
above.
Right
now
it's
warm."
Hmmm.
- We
must
acknowledge
that
Hawaiians
are
being
asked
to
vote
for
a
man
with
just
the
right
name
for
the
job.
From
an
ad
in
the
Honolulu
Advertiser,
courtesy
of
Lynne
Hunt,
of
Hornsby:
"Now,
more
than
Ever
...
For
Hawaii
/
ORSON
SWINDLE
for
congress"
- Jeff
McLachlan,
of
Bronte,
sought
Telstra
directory
assistance
for
the
numbers
of
two
interstate
businesses
-
Modern
Skin
Care,
in
Brisbane,
and
Hollywood
Wigs
and
Accessories,
in
Canberra.
The
operator:
"You
obviously
take
care
of
yourself,
sir."
Cheeky.
|
| 12 Sep 1996 | - Another
from
the
Department
of
the
Bleeding
Obvious:
Hink
Verhoeven,
of
Beacon
Hill,
advises
us
that
Choice
magazine,
in
its
September
issue,
lists
recalls
and
bans.
Being
recalled
is
Ansell's
Lifestyle
Ultrasure
12s
condoms
because
they
"may
fail
to
comply
with
the
Australian
Standard".
Under
the
head
What
To
Do
is:
Do
not
use
them.
|
| 18 Sep 1996 | - Elections
in
Hawaii
are
a
barrel
of
fun.
They're
being
asked
to
vote
for
the
wonderfully
named
Orson
Swindle
(Column
8,
Sep
11),
and
now
Campbell
and
Audrey
Smith,
of
Greenwich,
just
back
from
there,
have
found
another
strikingly
named
candidate.
In
the
county
election
in
Hilo,
on
the
island
of
Hawaii,
they
saw
this
sign
for
her:
"BONK!
...
if
you
love
Hawaii'i!"
|
| 27 Sep 1996 | - On
the
road
with
the
Sydney
Theatre
Company's
Dead
White
Males,
the
actress
Gillian
Hyde
called
into
a
Brisbane
pharmacy
the
other
day
seeking
make-up
remover.
They
had
on
offer
what
she
calls
"this
extraordinary
product"
[cut-out
of
ad
reading
"Gentile
Eye
Make-up
Remover"].
"I
refuse
to
make
any
reference
to
ethnic
cleansing,"
she
says.
Quite
right.
|
| 3 Oct 1996 | - Take
your
pick.
Edward
Ricards,
of
Greenway,
ACT,
reports
that
the
post
office
in
the
Tuggeranong
Hyperdome
shopping
centre
has
two
posting
slots.
One
is
labelled
ALL
MAIL.
The
other
is
labelled
ALL
OTHER
MAIL.
|
| 9 Oct 1996 | - We
agree
with
Diana
Heath,
of
Darling
Point,
that
the
announcer
on
ABC
Radio's
Classic
Drive
on
Friday
was
a
little
too
personal
when
he
said,
after
a
recording
of
a
soprano:
The
singer
was
Kathleen
Battle.
She
has
her
knockers,
but
you
can't
complain
about
her
singing.
|
| 13 Oct 1996 | - The
Tax
Office
put
out
a
stern
reminder
yesterday
that
people
who
prepare
their
own
tax
returns
must
send
them
in
by
October
31.
Attached
to
this
was
a
report
on
the
excuses
they
have
received
in
recent
years
for
failures
to
lodge
returns:
- My
car
has
just
blown
up,
the
cat's
had
kittens,
the
kids
have
the
flu
and
my
chooks
are
dying.
You'll
have
to
wait
for
my
bloody
return.
My
wife
just
ran
off
with
my
best
friend
and
took
all
my
papers
and
the
other
gear.
I
will
be
going
to
see
them
soon
as
I
want
to
get
my
papers
and
golf
clubs
back.
Then
I
will
lodge
my
return.
- I
couldn't
find
my
taxation
papers
as
my
wife
had
them
and
I
could
not
find
her.
- I
couldn't
remember
my
tax
file
number
but
seemed
to
recall
that
it
started
with
a
5.
- I
am
only
lodging
my
return
to
stop
the
persistent
nagging
of
my
wife.
I
forgot
(to
lodge)
the
first
year,
felt
guilty
the
second
year
and
was
too
scared
for
the
next
three
years.
- My
client
died
three
years
ago
and
has
only
ad
a
limited
involvement
in
the
business
since
that
time.
- My
wife
and
business
were
separated
and
sold
respectably
last
year
and
I
forgot
to
lodge
a
tax
return.
I
have
lodge
returns
for
the
past
22
years
but
this
year
my
wife
left
me.
Please
tell
me
what
I
can
do
about
this.
|
| 19 Oct 1996 | - It's
in
yesterday's
North
Shore
Times
as
a
"Moving
Sale"
and
probably
will
be
for
one
small,
rejected
member
of
the
family:
...
Everything
must
go!
Sofas,
beds,
cupboards,
tables,
chairs,
desks,
kitchenware,
computer,
toys,
games,
pool,
baby
&
car
accessories.
|
| 25 Oct 1996 | - The
Manly
ferry
was
arriving
at
Circular
Quay
when
Greg
Hazlett
overheard
two
US
couples
discussing
their
plans.
"Let's
go
to
that
place
that
looks
like
broken
eggshells,"
said
one.
|
| 26 Oct 1996 | - Walking
at
Rose
Bay,
Fred
and
Robyn
Merrett
heard
the
roar
of
an
engine,
and
saw
a
Police
Highway
Patrol
car
speed
away
from
its
hideaway,
just
off
New
South
Head
Road,
in
pursuit
of
speedster.
What
had
the
police
forgotten?
Their
book
of
traffic
tickets
on
the
bonnet,
that's
what.
Of
course,
it
blew
off
in
a
flurry
of
pages,
and
the
crew
had
to
stop
to
retrieve
it.
The
speedster
got
away.
Tough.
- It
has
been
cold
here,
but
that
didn't
justify
the
address
on
a
letter
Michael
Wilson
received
from
a
US
computer
company:
...
Elizabeth
Bay,
NSW
2011,
Antarctica.
- Visiting
San
Francisco,
Paul
Lynch,
of
Potts
Point,
was
toiling
up
the
steepest
street
on
Nob
Hill,
puffing
and
panting.
A
woman,
obviously
a
local,
was
walking
up
too,
but
slowly
and
steadily.
"You
must
see
a
lot
of
tourists
dying
on
these
hills,"
joked
Mr
Lynch.
"Yes,"
said
the
San
Franciscan
smiling
sweetly,
"the
trick
is
to
walk
on
the
side
of
the
street
so
you
don't
get
knocked
over
by
the
bodies
rolling
downhill."
|
| 31 Oct 1996 | - Why
did
someone
place
a
lemon
under
each
tyre
of
a
car
at
Bronte
and
then
drive
off,
leaving
them
squashed
(LLM
No
225,
Column
8,
Tuesday)?
Chandra
Reddy,
of
Strathfield,
says
it's
an
Indian
good-luck
custom
when
one
buys
a
new
or
used
car
-
his
mother
had
insisted
on
him
doing
it
each
time
he
changed
cars.
It's
said
to
ward
off
the
evil
eye
and
evil
spirits,
so
does
it
protect
against
police
radar
speed
checks
or
RBTs?
Not
as
far
as
Chandra
is
concerned
-
he's
had
some
speed
bookings.
- Dymocks,
the
bookseller,
is
overwhelmed
by
the
generosity
of
its
great
rival,
Angus
and
Robertson.
An
A&R
Bookworld
catalogue
circulating
in
Western
Australia,
and
possibly
here,
too,
has
a
form
for
payment
by
credit,
or
"Cheque
or
Money
Order
(Please
make
payable
to
Dymocks)".
The
accountants
at
Dymocks
are
eagerly
awaiting
the
flood
of
money.
|
| 1 Nov 1996 | - A
puzzle
headline
from
The
Highlands
Post,
Goulburn.
Had
the
Diet
Police
caught
someone
with
an
illicit
cream
sponge?
"Cake
eater
found
in
home".
No,
just
another
slice
of
life,
about
the
arrest
of
a
man
who
broke
into
a
house
and
ate
a
cake.
|
| 8 Nov 1996 | - Yes,
yes,
we
live
in
a
glass-house,
but
from
time
to
time
we
can
throw
a
few
stones.
Take
an
article
about
singer
Tom
Jones
in
Another
Newspaper
this
week.
It
was
header
Affairs
not
unusual,
but
one
of
his
dalliances
had
an
unusual
result:
"Last
month,
the
56-year-old
Jones
was
named
in
a
paternity
writ
by
Katherine
Berkery,
a
Florida
mother
who
says
he
bore
her
a
son
in
1988."
|
| 18 Nov 1996 | - Ken
Breakspear,
of
Fairlight,
life
member
of
the
Kosciusko
Alpine
Club
and
two
other
skiing
clubs,
and
recipient
of
an
MBE
for
his
contribution
to
skiing,
is
in
hospital
recovering
from
a
right
knee
reconstruction.
The
operation
is
needed
because
he
plans
to
race
again
next
year
and
he
no
longer
skis
as
well
as
he
used
to.
Well,
not
since
he
turned
91.
- How
many
pizza
deliverers
have
a
second
reason
for
knocking
on
doors?
A
Crows
Nest
pizza
man
tried
selling
an
investment
plan
to
one
customer
(Column
8,
Thursday).
A
colleague,
living
in
Leichhardt,
says
that
when
he
took
delivery
of
a
pizza,
the
young
man
then
tried
to
sign
him
up
for
a
weight
loss
program
-
a
clear
case
of
conflict
of
interest.
|
| 20 Nov 1996 | - [...
Media
coverage
of
re-entry
of
Mir
Space
Station]
A
CNN
reporter
in
Hawaii
reported,
early
in
the
piece,
that
it
might
land
in
eastern
Australia
near
Canberra.
"There
are
a
number
of
towns
and
villages
in
the
area,"
she
said
with
unconscious
irony.
|
| 27 Nov 1996 | - They're
getting
more
and
more
cunning.
In
Woolworths
at
Gosford
at
Monday
lunchtime,
Boyd
Grainger,
of
Saratoga,
noticed
two
pigeons
walking
along
the
floor
in
the
aisles.
A
little
later,
he
found
where
they'd
been
heading
-
the
pet-food
shelves.
One
was
on
the
top
shelf,
and
had
pecked
a
hole
in
a
packet
of
parrot
food.
It
was
busily
feeding,
and
its
mate
was
on
the
floor,
picking
up
the
bits
that
fell.
Mr
Grainger
assumes
they
checked
the
labels
first.
|
| 13 Dec 1996 | - Vegemite
as
stove
blacking
(Column
8,
Saturday)?
Elizabeth
Goldsmith,
now
of
Castlecrag,
grew
up
in
Hungary.
She
recalls
that
her
brother,
George
Nandor,
by
then
living
in
Australia,
sent
the
family
a
food
parcel
after
the
war.
"There
was
a
jar
in
it
without
any
label,
with
some
black
stuff
in
it,"
she
says.
"We
thought
it
was
boot
polish!"
It
was
oddly
sticky
and
provided
no
shine,
but
when
she
came
to
Australia
in
1948
she
found
there
were
better
uses
for
it.
- Merryn
Affleck,
ex-Wagga,
now
living
in
California,
was
intrigued
to
read
in
The
New
York
Times
a
puzzling
bit
of
politcal
geography.
She
sent
it
back
to
her
father,
Don.
Reporting
the
RAAF's
medical
supplies
drop
to
a
seriously
ill
United
States
sailor
in
the
round-the-world
yacht
race,
the
paper
said:
"The
yacht
was
about
1500
nautical
miles
south-west
of
the
coast
of
the
Western
Australia
state
of
Canberra
in
the
Southern
Ocean."
|
