| 26 Feb 2001 | - A
puzzlement.
Bob
Teepel,
of
Glebe,
dining
in
The
Rocks
examined
his
bottle
of
Wirra
Wirra
sauvignon
blanc.
Wine
bottles
now
bear
the
number
of
standard
drinks
they
contain,
but
this
one
had
a
baffling
addition:
7.7
standard
drinks
at
sea
level.
Would
he
get
more
or
fewer
drinks
at,
say,
Katoomba?
|
| 14 May 2001 | - Vivienne
Grinter,
of
Leichhardt,
seems
to
think
there's
some
odd
wording
in
an
advertisement
in
the
Public
Service
Notices
for
a
position
at
the
Independent
Commission
Against
Corruption.
The
job
is
as
a
personal
assistant
to
the
commissioner
and
deputy
commissioner.
Criteria
include
ability
to
design
and
maintain
office
filing
and
records
systems
suitable
for
highly
sensible
material.
Why
should
she
think
the
ICAC
would
have
anything
but
sensible
material?
- The
case
of
the
snake.
Sascha,
15,
daughter
of
Louis
and
Kate,
of
Bondi
Junction,
has
a
year-old
50-centimetre
pet
diamond
python
named
Tarquin.
About
three
weeks
ago,
it
escaped
from
its
glass
case
and
a
search
high
and
low,
even
into
the
ceiling,
produced
no
result.
A
friend
named
Reiner
came
to
stay
on
May
4
and
left
last
Tuesday
for
Noosa.
Unpacking
his
suitcase
in
Noosa,
"fright"
was
not
the
word
-
out
slithered
Tarquin,
looking
hungry.
Now
how
do
you
get
a
python
safely
back
from
Noosa
to
Sydney?
- A
new
disease.
Jasmine
Hamlyn,
5,
of
Kambah,
ACT,
came
home
from
school
and
told
her
mother,
Cathy
Hamlyn,
that
a
friend's
mother
had
to
go
to
hospital
so
they
could
take
a
rock
out
of
her
back."
Apparently
she
has
an
"echidna
stone".
|
| 20 Jul 2001 | - CityRail's
guards
continue
to
entertain
their
passengers
(Column
8,
yesterday).
Jarrod
Spiga,
of
Chatswood,
was
aboard
a
train
which
stopped
for
several
minutes
yesterday
morning
at
North
Sydney.
Eventually
the
guard
address
the
passengers.
"We
apologise
for
the
delay.
However,
we
are
reinforcing
the
structural
integrity
of
the
time-table."
Structural
integrity?
The
train
was
running
early.
- Sporting
a
Wallabies
jersey
in
loyal
support
last
Saturday
produced
an
unexpected
side
effect
for
Jane
Needham,
a
Phillip
Street
barrister.
"Throughout
the
day
I
was
the
subject
of
enormous
interest
from
young
men
in
cars.
This
hasn't
happened
to
me
for
about
15
years,
and
it
certainly
hasn't
happened
to
me
in
my
suburb
of
Darlinghurst."
|
| 23 Jul 2001 | - Having
bought
an
older-style
apartment
in
Mosman,
Sally
and
Brett
Siebold
began
steaming
off
the
horrid
wallpaper
-
purple
with
stripes
and
flowers
-
from
the
second
bedroom.
They
were
probably
not
the
first
to
be
repulsed
by
the
covering,
which
they
suspect
dated
back
to
the
1950s.
"We
were
removing
the
last
metre
of
wallpaper
when
my
husband
practically
fell
down
laughing.
There
on
the
wall,
written
in
pen,
obviously
just
before
the
wallpaper
was
hung,
was
a
message
from
that
tradesman
or
husband
that
said
it
all:
'So
you
didn't
like
it
either.
It's
shit,
isn't
it?'
"
|
| 27 Jul 2001 | - Japan's
television
commentators
chanting
"Thorpe!
Thorpe!
Thorpe!"
have
a
good
reason
for
urging
on
the
Australian
(Column
8,
yesterday),
says
Sandra
Merhi,
of
Bella
Vista.
"Try
chanting
'van
den
Hoogenband!
van
den
Hoogenband!
van
den
Hoogenband!'.
"
- More
gems
from
the
Tax
Office
(Column
8,
yesterday).
"It
has
been
three
days
now,
and
my
wife
and
I
have
given
up
looking,"
says
Greg
Biscoe-Hough,
a
Peakhurst
reader.
While
filling
in
his
tax
return,
he
came
across
a
question
in
Part
C,
on
page
77:
"Did
you
have
a
house-keeper?"
Thinking
he
was
on
fairly
solid
ground
here,
our
reader
marked
the
"No"
box.
This
response
resulted
in
a
disconcerting
instruction,
in
bold
lettering:
"Go
to
Check
that
you
have."
No,
still
no
house-keeper.
|
| 30 Jul 2001 | - Arriving
at
their
rented
holiday
home
in
Tuscany,
Tom
and
Di
Magney,
of
Paddington,
were
handed
a
copy
of
the
house
rules,
written
in
fractured
English.
They
deciphered
all
the
forbidden
behaviour,
except
one:
"To
avoid
serious
accidents,
please
forbid
youngsters
and
grown
up
chianti
and
girls
estimators
to
run
into
the
pool
area."
- The
woman
behind
the
counter
at
an
Erina
cafe
was
surprised
when
a
customer
ordered
a
'hopolatte'
recently.
What's
that,
she
asked.
"A
latte
with
a
chocolate
finger
in
it,"
she
was
told.
|
| 31 Jul 2001 | - Jenny
Keene,
of
Murrumbateman
(between
Canberra
and
Yass),
liked
the
advice
on
the
Nylex
range
gauge
she
bought
at
the
weekend:
"Rainfall
varies
from
area
to
area.
Ensure
your
garden
receives
sufficient
water
by
installing
the
Rain
Gauge
600."
If
only
it
were
that
easy,
she
says.
|
| 9 Aug 2001 | - Having
run
out
of
laundry
detergent,
Jean
Smith,
of
Carlingford,
went
out,
leaving
still
dirty
clothes
in
the
washing
machine.
"I
returned
home
to
see
all
my
washing
hanging
neatly
on
the
line."
Her
helpful
hubby,
Bobby,
had
put
them
out,
thinking
they
were
washed.
"He
said,
'What
a
great
spin
the
washer
has!
They
were
nearly
dry.'
"
- "The
statistics
will
be
wrong,"
says
Barbara
Thomas,
of
Northwood.
Neither
her
household
nor
the
one
next
door
received
a
census
form,
despite
calls
on
Monday
and
Tuesday
that
triggered
fruitless
promises
the
forms
would
be
delivered.
She
wants
us
to
know
that
when
the
official
population
figure
is
announced
"we
should
add
five".
|
| 10 Aug 2001 | - On
the
footpath
in
Harrison
Street,
Neutral
Bay,
on
Wednesday,
local
resident
Anne
Hawker
came
across
one
elegant
silver
shoe,
a
black
silky
top
with
plunging
neckline
and
white
lace
trimming,
two
empty
make-up
bags
and
a
single
playing
card
-
the
four
of
clubs.
"A
design
for
the
cover
of
a
detective
novel,
or
another
of
Life's
Little
Mysteries?"
- The
threatening
letter
from
the
debt
collection
agency
alarmed
Christina
Unterwurzacher,
of
Mosman.
"We
have
been
instructed
to
commence
legal
action
against
you,
without
further
notice
to
you,
if
payment
is
not
made
within
7
(seven)
days
..."
Then
she
saw
the
amount
they
were
demanding:
| Debt: | $0.00 | | Interest: | $0.00 | | Costs: | $0.00 | | Total: | $0.00 |
|
| 20 Aug 2001 | - Arnum
Endean,
of
Darlington,
watched
bemused
as
a
man
walked
down
Shepherd
St,
Chippendale,
on
Friday
morning,
carefully
unscrewing
parking
signs.
Eventually
he
had
to
find
out
the
reason.
"I've
just
come
back
from
overseas,
mate,"
said
the
man,
"and
it's
cost
me
$900
in
parking
fines
since
I
got
back."
Well,
we
can
sympathise
with
that
...
- Our
story
of
a
thieving
bird
(Column
8,
Wednesday)
reminded
Kylie
Quinnell,
of
Mt
Riverview,
of
an
incident
a
few
months
ago.
She
woke
up
to
see
a
friend,
down
from
Brisbane,
running
though
the
garden
in
her
pyjamas
yelling
"they're
not
real"
at
a
retreating
kookaburra.
The
bird
had
just
scooped
up
two
plastic
tablecloth-holders
disguised
as
green
frogs.
|
| 23 Aug 2001 | - Those
Paris
Metro
pickpockets
(Column
8,
Monday)
didn't
know
who
they
were
dealing
with
when
they
attacked
Richard
Seligman,
of
Crows
Nest,
a
few
years
ago.
He
was
suspicious
when
two
men
jostled
him
as
his
train
pulled
into
Montmartre.
On
a
hunch,
he
chased
them
onto
the
platform,
collared
one
and
shouted
in
his
"best
navy
language".
The
man
dropped
the
purloined
wallet
and
fled.
Mr
Seligman
scooped
it
up
and
ran
back
to
his
train,
just
before
the
doors
closed.
He
was,
incidentally,
75
at
the
time.
|
| 31 Aug 2001 | - More
tough
telephones
(Column
8,
yesterday).
After
burning
the
stubble
left
after
the
harvesting
of
his
canola
crop,
Peter
Slatter,
of
Holbrook,
realised
he
had
lost
his
mobile.
"Two
days
later,
standing
in
the
middle
of
an
800-acre
paddock,
admiring
our
handiwork,
we
heard
from
behind
us
a
faint
rumbling
and
turned
to
see
the
phone,
trying
to
ring.
Burnt,
melted
and
with
dirt
and
stubble
melted
into
the
phone,
it
was
still
working
a
treat.
It
had
survived
the
fire,
rain
and
two
nights
out
in
the
open.
We
used
it
for
a
number
of
weeks
before
we
were
convinced
to
upgrade."
- They
have
tried
all
the
obvious
tricks
to
open
their
salsa
jars
(Column
8,
yesterday).
They
have
used
hot
water,
poked
knives
up
under
the
lids,
banged
the
rims
in
all
manner
of
ways
and
used
towels
and
rubber
gloves
to
boost
friction,
but
readers
continue
to
report
that
the
lids
won't
budge.
Giulia
Rudge,
of
Redfern,
confesses
to
a
possible
record,
having
had
four
in
her
cupboard
that
refused
to
be
opened.
"Each
time
I'd
buy
a
different
brand
to
see
if
it
made
a
difference."
It
didn't.
She
is
one
of
many
who
now
resort
to
stabbing
holes
in
the
lids
to
release
the
pressure.
"The
jar
then
opens
easily,
but
the
problem
is
that
the
whole
container
has
to
be
eaten
in
one
go."
If
all
else
fails,
said
a
Baulkham
Hills
reader,
"just
get
a
hammer.
You
have
to
pick
out
the
glass
bits,
but
it
works
every
time."
|
| 5 Sep 2001 | - Exploring
the
city
with
his
grandmother
on
Monday,
Sam
Kendall,
5,
of
Bondi
Junction,
came
across
a
military-style
armoured
car
and
a
row
of
jeeps
parked
outside
the
Sheraton
on
the
Park.
Grandma,
Kerry
Watson,
of
Moree,
said
Sam
was
studying
the
military
hardware
when
a
man
suddenly
appeared.
"We
are
going
for
a
drive,"
he
announced,
asking
if
the
little
fellow
would
like
to
join
him.
Moments
later
Sam
was
aboard
the
armoured
car,
riding
wide-eyed
through
the
streets
of
Sydney
with
billionaire
Sir
Richard
Branson,
in
town
for
a
Virgin
Mobile
promotion.
Grandma
followed
in
a
jeep.
- A
Vodaphone
customer
service
operator
received
a
call
the
other
day
from
a
man
who
couldn't
connect
to
the
network.
Only
after
vainly
trying
all
the
usual
trouble-shooting
techniques
did
the
caller
mention
he
had
dropped
his
phone
into
the
dishwasher.
However,
he
was
sure
that
could
not
have
been
the
problem
because
he
had
dried
it
in
the
microwave.
| |
| 17 Sep 2001 | - Things
that
go
on
in
the
dark
...
First
flyspray
and
sunscreen
mistaken
for
deodorant
(Column
8,
Tuesday
and
Friday)
and
now
this
anecdote
from
a
Blacktown
reader.
In
the
early
days
of
his
marriage,
as
his
wife
"took
over
the
bathroom
area",
he
wondered
why
his
armpits
were
sticky
and
painful.
"Then
I
figured
out
I'd
been
using
hairspray,"
he
confesses.
- Online
reader
Michael
Holmes,
in
Atlanta,
Georgia,
spotted
an
"interesting"
For
Sale
ad
in
the
Atlanta
Journal-Constitution
last
month:
"Harley
Davidson
1000.
Fat
Boy
FLSTF
Harley.
Special
Edition
paint,
bright
orange,
5
Gal
gas
tank,
chrome
swing
on,
wide
rear
tire
kit,
Arlen
Ness
Oval
Flame
Mirrors,
vance
and
hines
pipes,
fill
chrome
head
lamp,
a/c
carb
kit,
dyno
jet
kit,
beautiful
bike,
2,500
miles
..."
Why
was
this
luscious
machine
on
offer
for
a
cut-price
$US21,000
($40,000)?
"Going
to
jail.
Must
sell."
|
| 24 Sep 2001 | - Geoff
Breach,
of
Neutral
Bay,
has
a
"simple
explanation"
for
Aleks
Segleniek's
question
on
absurd
warning
labels
(Column
8,
Saturday).
The
Geoff
Breach
Stupid
Sign
Theorem,
he
says,
postulates
that
such
labels
and
signs
exist
because
someone
has
already
executed
the
act
that
the
sign
warns
against.
"By
way
of
example,
why
do
you
suppose
that
condom
packages
includes
a
warning
that
states,
'do
not
return
used
condom
to
manufacturer'?"
|
| 25 Sep 2001 | - Eight-year-old
Isaac
Mitchell,
of
Cronulla,
had
a
brush
with
politics
when
his
school
choir
sang
before
the
Prime
Minister.
He
later
asked
his
father
what
the
king
of
Australia
did.
He
was
told
there
was
no
king,
our
head
of
state
was
the
Queen.
Her
husband
wasn't
a
king,
he
was
a
duke.
Isaac
insisted
there
was
a
king,
and
he
lived
in
Canberra.
Well,
then,
he
must
be
thinking
of
the
Governor-General.
"No
Dad,"
came
the
emphatic
reply.
"John
Howard
and
King
Beazley."
|
| 28 Sep 2001 | - Bleedin'
obvious
and
stupid
sign
sightings
(Column
8,
Saturday)
continue
to
roll
in.
Jean
Stiller,
of
Willoughby,
liked
these
toilet
cleaner
instructions:
"For
best
results
start
with
a
clean
toilet."
- More
wrong
'uns
(Column
8,
yesterday)
...
A
Croydon
Park
reader
wondered
why
her
mother
was
wearing
a
wig
after
her
European
holiday.
Mum
explained
that
in
Hanover
she
had
set
her
hair
with
what
she
thought
was
hair
mousse.
"To
her
horror,
she
was
left
with
a
gooey
mess
of
hair
and
foam
in
her
hands
an
no
hair
on
her
head,"
says
our
reader.
The
unlucky
DIY
hairdresser
had
bought
hair-remover
mousse.
|
| 1 Oct 2001 | - Jeremy
Spinks,
of
Baulkham
Hills,
chuckled
over
the
description
of
a
'maliciously
maintained'
house
in
a
Hills
Shire
Times
real
estate
advertisement.
"You
have
to
be
cruel
to
be
clean,"
he
says.
- Signwriters
have
a
low
opinion
of
the
public's
intelligence.
Warren
Douglas,
of
Kirribilli,
says
there's
a
sign
in
the
men's
changing
rooms
at
North
Sydney
pool:
"Use
taps
to
adjust
water
pressure."
- Liz
Chapman,
of
Doowoon
Bay,
had
to
decipher
this
piece
of
sad
news
from
her
three-year-old
grandson,
Sam:
"Our
cat's
dived
and
gone
to
Devon."
|
| 2 Oct 2001 | - A
reader
who
works
for
an
American
company
in
London
has
received
an
email
advising
staff
how
to
deal
with
post
they
suspect
may
contain
anthrax.
Guidelines
on
the
likely
appearance
of
such
letters
or
parcels
were
followed
by
the
proviso
that
staff
should
"use
your
best
judgment
when
determining
if
a
letter
or
package
is
suspicious".
The
advice
included
an
illustration
of
a
parcel
conveniently
marked
"Anthrax".
- As
her
ferry
pulled
into
the
wharf
the
other
day,
a
reader
heard
an
announcement
advising
passengers
to
take
care:
"The
wharf
is
as
slippery
as
a
local
member
of
Parliament."
- On
business
in
California,
Wayne
Talbot,
of
Castle
Hill,
noticed
that
even
the
road
signs
were
politically
correct.
On
Highway
33
a
sign
warning
of
a
low
bridge
ahead
read,
"Vertically
Impaired
Clearance".
|
| 15 Oct 2001 | - A
teacher
at
SCECGS
Radlands
reports
the
latest
trend
for
teenagers.
We
all
know
they
are
getting
more
and
more
mature
"or
act
least
act
more
mature",
he
says,
and
now
we
have
the
proof.
An
increasing
number
of
students
have
been
bringing
in
small
camping
stoves
to
boil
water
for
coffee.
"They
bring
in
their
own
percolators,
ground
coffee,
sugar,
mugs
and
teaspoons
and
sit
down
before
school,
at
morning
break
and
at
lunchtime
for
a
cup
of
freshly
brewed
coffee."
Starbucks
is
training
them
well.
- Back
from
Hong
Kong,
Torbjrn
Lundmark,
of
Manly,
is
glad
to
report
that
Sino-English
remains
charmingly
unchanged.
At
a
restaurant
in
Howloon
he
found
a
thick
leatherette
folder
with
a
cover
stamped
in
swirls
and
the
word
"Manual".
Inside
were
several
pages
of
"proposals
from
the
cook".
- A
Greenwich
reader
is
faced
with
an
unusual
problem.
"We
cannot
rid
ourselves
of
a
very
domesticated
pigeon."
The
bird
has
been
trying
to
make
its
way
into
the
house
and,
when
any
family
member
goes
outside,
it
tries
to
land
on
their
head
and
shoulders.
"All
it
wants
is
a
cuddle,
but
it's
driving
us
crazy,"
he
says.
He
hopes
its
(presumably
loving)
owner
wants
the
pigeon
back
-
"because
it's
like
The
Birds
here".
|
| 14 Oct 2001 | - Perhaps
the
last
innocence-of-childhood
comment
on
the
elections.
Six-year-old
Eleanor
accompanied
her
mother
to
a
Drummoyne
polling
booth
on
Saturday.
After
collecting
and
scrutinising
all
the
how-to-vote
leaflets,
she
exclaimed:
"OK,
now
where
do
we
bet?"
- Expat
Anne
Macadam,
living
in
the
quaintly
named
Cockeysville,
in
Maryland,
applied
online
for
an
absentee
ballot
[...]
"I
appreciated
the
embassy's
detailed
(down
to
the
postal
charge
from
the
USA
to
Australia)
explanation,
but
was
amused
to
see
my
address
-
Cockupville.
We're
all
feeling
the
stress."
|
| 16 Oct 2001 | - Driving
through
the
Noosa
hinterland,
Rick
Stannard,
of
Cremorne
Point,
passed
a
horse
stud
with
a
sign
at
the
gate:
Please
drive
in
horse
manure.
"We
we
decided
to
decline
their
kind
invitation,"
he
says.
And,
once
again,
punctuation
would
be
a
fine
thing.
|
| 17 Oct 2001 | - Where's
Wedgie?
Photographs
published
this
week
to
celebrate
This
Paper's
170
years
have
drawn
some
close
inspection
from
readers.
Hannah,
14-year-old
daughter
of
Barbara
Lewincamp,
of
Narrabundah,
ACT,
having
pored
over
yesterday's
panorama
of
Bondi
Beach,
announced:
"There
are
six
people
trying
to
de-wedge
their
swimsuits."
|
| 17 Nov 2001 | - Mixaphor
of
the
week,
heard
by
David
Aston,
of
Bankstown
-
Sally
Loane
on
ABC
Radio
talking
about
Simon
Crean:
"Maybe
if
he
was
given
enough
rope
he
might
shine."
- Nominative
determinism
is
alive
and
well
in
the
Police
Service.
Geraldine
McWhinney,
of
Randwick,
found
in
the
Southern
Courier
a
report
of
an
armed
hold-up:
Anyone
with
information
is
asked
to
contact
Detective
Senior
Constable
Andrew
Pincham
...
|
| 26 Nov 2001 | - A
sign
outside
a
Dee
Why
pet
shop,
reported
by
Harry
Hutchinson,
of
Manly:
Are
you
prepared
for
fleas
and
ticks?
Layby
now
for
Xmas.
|
| 29 Nov 2001 | - There's
a
building
company
in
Sydney
named
Crooks
Constructions,
which
delights
in
putting
up
its
signs
when
it's
working
on
police
stations,
or
even
at
Long
bay
Jail.
It
now
has
a
rival.
Paul
Newman,
of
Coffs
Harbour,
tells
us
the
building
contractor
for
construction
of
the
Banksia
Mental
Health
Unit
at
Tamworth
Hospital
is
Loose
Screw
Constructions
Pty
Ltd,
of
Grafton.
- We
have
previously
noted
that
in
the
Yellow
Pages
there's
a
page
heading
Books-Boring,
which
is
not
a
special
listing
for
ho-hum
publications.
Now
we
find
that
Night-clubs
&
Discotheques
is
followed
by
Noise
Control
Equipment.
|
| 10 Dec 2001 | - Matt
Tait,
and
engineer
on
his
way
back
to
East
Timor
with
his
partner
Shani,
and
daughter,
Darcy,
picked
up
Christmas
presents
in
Sydney,
including
bonbons.
But
en
route
to
Timor,
he
was
stopped
in
Darwin.
Airport
security
ordered
him
to
take
the
bonbons
outside
the
terminal
to
detonate
them
because
they
were
explosive.
- A
Lost
Dogs
sign,
spotted
by
Ken
Lewis
"all
over
Tahmoor":
Two
kelpies
missing
...
owners
are
fretting
as
they
are
new
to
the
area
and
very
mischievous.
- A
last
note
about
Tuesday's
storm.
Eunice
Ramsay,
of
Hornsby,
reports
that
repairs
to
the
roof
of
the
parish
hall
at
St
Peter's
Anglican
Church
are
being
carried
out
by
Resurrection
Plumbing.
|
| 11 Dec 2001 | - Nominative
determinism
never
ends.
Dominic
Rice,
ex-Sydney,
now
of
Lancaster,
Pennsylvania:
"Our
family
doctor
is
David
T.
Superdock,
MD
-
and
a
very
good
one
he
is
too!"
|
| 12 Dec 2001 | - Constant
readers
will
remember
(Column
8,
Nov
30)
a
letter
writer
to
The
Times
commenting
on
British
police
treating
a
body
in
a
suitcase
as
"a
suspicious
death".
A
later
correspondent
has
quoted
from
a
biography
of
the
pathologist
Sir
Gerard
Spilsbury.
A
constable
had
been
called
to
inspect
a
suitcase
at
Charing
Cross
station:
"Under
some
brown
paper
was
the
body
of
a
woman
divided
into
five
parts
by
amputation
at
each
shoulder
and
hip
joint.
The
constable,
however,
a
man
who
took
his
instructions
literally,
would
not
allow
these
horrid
remains
to
be
removed
to
the
mortuary
until
a
police
surgeon
had
certified
that
the
woman
was
dead."
|
| 13 Dec 2001 | - Life's
Little
Mystery
No
544,
reported
by
Maree
Everingham,
of
Kingscliff:
a
Kombi
van
parked
in
a
South
Tweed
Heads
shopping
centre,
with
about
10
baby
dummies
in
different
stages
of
disintegration
attached
to
its
radio
aerial.
|
| 17 Dec 2001 | - "Considering
a
Cat
for
Christmas?"
was
the
heading
on
a
press
release
received
at
the
Bellingen
Courier
Sun.
They
sent
it
on
to
us
with
an
addition:
No!
We're
having
turkey!
- A
letter
to
a
Mulgoa
doctor
from
the
National
Osteoporosis
Campaign
of
Australia
reveals
an
apparently
odd
attitude:
"NOCA
is
concerned
about
the
very
low
levels
of
inadequate
treatment
of
osteoporosis
in
women
(and
men)
with
osteoporotic
fractures
..."
Should
doctors
try
to
help
by
increasing
the
inadequacy
of
their
treatment?
No,
no.
The
NOCA
should
improve
its
phrasing.
- Very
puzzling.
When
Leonie
Freed,
of
Darling
Point,
was
given
a
Tiffany
toaster,
she
dutifully
filled
in
the
warranty
card,
and
then
...
Hmmmm.
The
top
of
the
card
said
"Return
this
product
registration
card
today"
(to
a
Victorian
address).
At
the
foot
it
said
"Keep
this
card
with
your
purchase
receipt".
When
she
told
us
about
it
she
still
hadn't
decided
which
instruction
to
follow.
|
| 18 Dec 2001 | - What
do
they
put
in
the
water
that
makes
the
residents
at
a
Cromer
retirement
village
so
frisky?
Guy
Fluke,
of
Dee
Why,
says
that
the
pool
has
signs
around
it:
"No
running,
no
diving,
no
bombing".
|
| 19 Dec 2001 | - They
seek
him
here,
they
seek
him
there
...
at
a
Carols
by
Candlelight
service
at
Ballina
on
Sunday
night,
says
Ross
Sharp,
of
McLeans
Ridge,
Joseph
and
Mary,
in
Middle
Eastern
costume,
made
their
way
through
the
crowd
to
the
accompaniment
of
an
appropriate
carol.
"The
MC
told
the
children
that
special
visitors
were
approaching.
'Look,'
she
said,
'I
wonder
who
they
can
be?'
From
the
back:
'Osama
bin
Laden!'
"
|
| 20 Dec 2001 | - Ex-Collaroy,
Michael
McTeigue
lives
in
Miami,
Florida,
where
he
finds
fun
in
ads
for
a
local
cosmetic
surgery
clinic.
"As
its
Christmas
special
it
is
offering
half
off
any
breast
enlargement
with
any
fill-priced
liposuction!"
- This
paper's
Beijing
Correspondent,
John
Schauble,
admits
to
being
as
easily
confused
by
Chinese
characters
as
the
next
person.
But
clearly,
Gothic
type
has
the
same
effect
in
China.
After
leaving
his
business
card
-
adorned
with
an
approximation
of
the
Herald
mast-head
-
scattered
around
China,
he
has
received
Christmas
salutations
address
variously
to
the
Sydney
Morning
Gerald,
the
Sponey
Morning
Derald
and
most
recently
the
Sponer
Morning
Beralo.
- [...
message
on
blackboard
outside
Melbourne
pub
...]
Enjoy
the
new
summer
menu
-
in
our
heated
courtyard.
|
| 24 Dec 2001 | - Around
and
around
the
mulberry
bush.
Debbie
McDonald,
of
Port
Macquarie,
went
into
her
local
ANZ
branch
to
sort
out
a
problem
of
bank
charges
on
a
repaid
loan.
One
of
the
counter
staff
gave
her
a
number
to
phone,
and
suggested
she
use
the
branch
courtesy
phone.
Debbie
called
the
number,
but
had
to
be
transferred
to
another
department.
She
explained
her
problem
again
-
please
speak
to
another
department.
Before
being
transferred,
she
was
given
the
direct
number
in
case
she
was
cut
off.
As
debbie
waited,
she
heard
a
phone
ring
in
the
branch,
and
saw
one
of
the
staff
answer
it.
Yes
folks,
Debbie
was
back
talking
to
someone
in
her
own
branch
-
but
the
person
she
needed
was
on
holidays.
Next
time
Debbie
will
drop
in
for
a
face-to-face
chat.
- At
the
Thornleigh
RTA
[Roads
&
Traffic
Authority],
Daniel
Van
Der
Riet,
of
Wahroonga,
scanned
the
posters
on
the
walls.
"One
in
particular
caught
my
eye,"
he
says.
"NSW
RTA
-
We
treat
the
community's
money
as
our
own.
Hmmmm.
A
little
bit
too
honest
for
my
liking."
|
| 27 Dec 2001 | - You'll
remember
the
joy
of
an
Engadine
man
at
attaining
the
MBE
-
Made
Bloody
Eighty
(Column
8,
Dec
17).
Wilfred
Taylor,
of
Pymble,
now
tells
us
he
can
confer
the
OBE
-
Over
Bloomin'
Eighty
-
on
octogenarians.
For
a
modest
$35
you
can
be
installed
in
the
Order
of
OBE
by
Father
Time
(president)
and
Mother
Nature
(vice-president).
The
order
comes
with
a
certificate,
a
beribboned
medallion
and
a
lapel
badge
or
brooch,
each
bearing
the
order's
symbol
-
an
hourglass.
Wilfred
(9144
4704),
who
is
over
85
himself,
has
sent
out
some
3000
over
six
years.
- The
van
Hulsen
twins,
of
Mosman,
went
to
different
schools
[...
and
did
different
subjects
...]
The
twins
thing
took
over
when
their
universities
admission
index
scores
were
announced.
Each
got
precisely
83.2.
- It's
been
scorching
on
the
North
Coast.
Very
early
on
Monday
a
Grafton
resident
decided
to
seek
a
cooler
resting
place
and
got
into
the
Coles
supermarket,
settling
down
behind
a
refrigerated
Coke
machine.
When
staff
came
in
at
dawn,
they
had
to
call
for
expert
help,
which
is
why
WIRES
[WIldlife
REScue]
rescuer
Bill
Greenlees
was
rousted
out
of
bed
at
5am
to
catch
the
red-bellied
black
snake
and
release
it
in
the
wild.
- "One
has
to
be
specific
when
answering
the
queries
of
children,"
says
James
Shipston.
"When
told
by
her
parents
that
there
were
four
more
sleeps
to
the
Big
Day,
going-on-three-year-old
Natasha
Barrow,
of
Berowra
Heights,
expected
Santa
to
arrive
on
the
23rd.
Naturally
she
was
including
afternoon
naps."
|
