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- Adventures in Cake Summoning

[Background] [Recent Developments]

It is well known that *things* from undesirable universes are always seeking an entrance into this one, which is the psychic equivalent of handy for the buses and closer to the shops.
-- Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic


Before our ancestors first poked their brutal, misshapen heads from the foliage of forests long gone to venture out and build their first crude settlements - before the first step was taken on the pathetic goat-track which we, in our myopic wisdom, are pleased to call "human history" - before we first clutched the threadbare rags of human reason about us in an attempt to shield our being from that naked reality which would otherwise unmake us in an instant - before uncaring Nature first began to forge the primaeval fears deep in our psyche - before language - before mind - before song - before us - there were ... the Old Chefs.

These creatures, these ... entities, so vast that our entire cosmos could contain only a shadow of them, engaged in matters as far beyond our comprehension as our highest endeavours are beyond a ... patch of mildew. Is our universe, to them, nothing? One square inch of land in some petty squabble, maybe? The belly of a gargantuan flea on the backside of some celestial mongrel, perhaps? Or is our world, as hinted by certain arcane lore, a leaf in a cosmic cookery book? Are the Great Pyramids simply a message reading "this page intentionally left blank"? Can the thin veils between our world and those adjoining be pierced? Can we, mere humans, drag into our space and our time, knowledge of the Food Beyond?

Selfless study by generations scholars of the occult has amassed innumerable clues:

Recent Developments

Careful research by the current authors (who must remain anonymous for obvious reasons) suggests that the bulk of disappearences, deaths, unwanted transmogrifications and nervous disorders which accompany experiments in Cross-Universal Confectionary Retrieval may be ascribed to a lack of safeguards on the part of the experimentors. Since our earliest attempts we have erred on the side of caution, surrounding our apparatus with every known icon or symbol of Warding and Forbidding. While we work, our assistants constantly chant Aramaic translations of the local traffic by-laws. If, at any juncture, a metal eating utensil must be inserted into electrical cooking apparatus, said apparatus is first turned off AND unplugged. In the event of emergency, we have standing by a fully-trained Acupunturist, an Occupational Topologist and an Apiarist of the Third Circle. It is to this prudence we attribute our ongoing success.

We hope to present our most recent (edible) results in a public symposium this weekend 27/28th July 2001, time and venue to be announced. Assuming the requisite level of organisation on our part, you are invited to intend. Intermediate stages in some earlier work may be viewed here, here and here.

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