| I
am
a
dynamic
figure,
often
seen
scaling
walls
and
crushing
ice.
I
have
been
known
to
remodel
train
stations
on
my
lunch
breaks,
making
them
more
efficient
in
the
area
of
heat
retention.
I
translate
ethnic
slurs
for
Cuban
refugees,
I
write
award-winning
operas,
I
manage
time
efficiently.
Occasionally,
I
tread
water
for
three
days
in
a
row. I
woo
women
with
my
sensuous
and
godlike
trombone
playing,
I
can
pilot
bicycles
up
severe
inclines
with
unflagging
speed,
and
I
cook
Thirty-Minute
Brownies
in
twenty
minutes.
I
am
an
expert
in
stucco,
a
veteran
in
love,
and
an
outlaw
in
Peru. Using
only
a
hoe
and
a
large
glass
of
water,
I
once
single-handedly
defended
a
small
village
in
the
Amazon
Basin
from
a
horde
of
ferocious
army
ants.
I
play
bluegrass
cello,
I
was
scouted
by
the
Mets,
I
am
the
subject
of
numerous
documentaries.
When
I'm
bored,
I
build
large
suspension
bridges
in
my
yard.
I
enjoy
urban
hang
gliding.
On
Wednesdays,
after
school,
I
repair
electrical
appliances
free
of
charge. I
am
an
abstract
artist,
a
concrete
analyst,
and
a
ruthless
bookie.
Critics
worldwide
swoon
over
my
original
line
of
corduroy
evening
wear.
I
don't
perspire.
I
am
a
private
citizen,
yet
I
receive
fan
mail.
I
have
been
caller
number
nine
and
have
won
the
weekend
passes.
Last
summer
I
toured
New
Jersey
with
a
traveling
centrifugal-force
demonstration.
I
bat
.400.
My
deft
floral
arrangements
have
earned
me
fame
in
international
botany
circles.
Children
trust
me. I
can
hurl
tennis
rackets
at
small
moving
objects
with
deadly
accuracy.
I
once
read
Paradise
Lost,
Moby
Dick,
and
David
Copperfield
in
one
day
and
still
had
time
to
refurbish
an
entire
dining
room
that
evening.
I
know
the
exact
location
of
every
food
item
in
the
supermarket.
I
have
performed
covert
operations
for
the
CIA.
I
sleep
once
a
week;
when
I
do
sleep,
I
sleep
in
a
chair.
While
on
vacation
in
Canada,
I
successfully
negotiated
with
a
group
of
terrorists
who
had
seized
a
small
bakery.
The
laws
of
physics
do
not
apply
to
me. I
balance,
I
weave,
I
dodge,
I
frolic,
and
my
bills
are
all
paid.
On
weekends,
to
let
off
steam,
I
participate
in
full-contact
origami.
Years
ago
I
discovered
the
meaning
of
life
but
forgot
to
write
it
down.
I
have
made
extraordinary
four
course
meals
using
only
a
Mouli
and
a
toaster
oven.
I
breed
prizewinning
clams.
I
have
won
bullfights
in
San
Juan,
cliff-diving
competitions
in
Sri
Lanka,
and
spelling
bees
at
the
Kremlin.
I
have
played
Hamlet,
I
have
performed
open-heart
surgery,
and
I
have
spoken
with
Elvis. |
