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The Discovery of the NuIlitron | Galaxy, February 1967. |
Results
of
an
Experiment
Conducted
by
Thomas
M.
Disch
and
John
T.
Sladek
Whilst attempting a verification of Drake's classical 'Massless Muon' experiment (the experiment in which a massless muon was annihilated, producing, as Hawakaja had earlier observed. the supposed 'isotron'), a new particle was observed, having a mass of 0, a charge of 0 and a spin of 0. This particle half been termed the 'nullitron'.
At first the nullitron was thought to be a neutrino -- or massless, uncharged particle with a spin of +½ -- but when the experiment was repeated using a gyroscopically-balanced nubium target in place of the old, fixed frimium one, the spin was calculated to be 0.
Though having no mass, the particle cannot be truly termed sub-atomic, for it appears to be about one metre in diameter, perfectly round, and rather shiny. Its red colour can be explained by the well-known 'redshift' or 'Doppler' effect, caused by the fact that no matter from what vantage point the particle is viewed, it seems to be retreating from the observer at the speed of light.
The nullitron can be produced experimentally only under the most favourable circumstances. A cyclotron one mile in diameter filled with alternate solid blocks of lead and quicksilver is useful but not essential. Of utmost importance is a willingness on the part of the investigator to discover them.[*]
[*] The first nullitron was observed, in point of fact, on the isle of Ibiza, where the investigators had repaired for a brief holiday. For three successive afternoons, while sleeping on the beach, Mr. Sladek had vivid dreams of swarms of nullitrons that formed into rings biting their tail and eventually melting into butter. This proved to be the case.
With the discovery of the anti-nullitron a great leap forward has been made in the general area of investigation concerning the nullitron.
Like the nullitron itself, the anti-nullitron has a mass of 0, a charge of 0 and a spin of 0, but unlike the nullitron, it is green and cubical. The most careful measurements (obtained by passing the nullitrons and antinullitrons through it dense field of spinning neutrinos, upon which they have curiously little effect, or none) show that the cubical anti-nullitrons are exactly equal in volume to the spherical nullitrons. No satisfactory explanation has yet been offered for this phenomenon.
Theoretical considerations led to the inexorable if highly unlikely conclusion that nullitrons and anti-nullitrons exist everywhere in nature. Indeed, the universe can be said to be drenched with them. Due to the laws of conservation, however, they are rarely observable in their natural state, since the nullitrons cancel out the anti-nullitrons and vice versa.
This does not mean, however, that the nullitron is not without significance. On the contrary, the nullitron is known to be in constant interaction with all known sub-atomic particles. A nullitron can join a neutrino to form an anti-neutrino and with an anti-neutrino to form a neutrino. These interactions (and many more besides) are constantly occurring in nature, but (due again to the laws of conservation) can never be observed directly, only inferred.
Aside from their 'colour', the nullitron family possess certain other 'secondary' characteristics:
The sound of two nullitrons colliding from opposite directions is a whirring noise, very much like that of a defective electric fan (such as the fan to be found in the Las Palmas hotel in Ibiza). The collision of two anti-nullitrons, by contrast, produces exactly the same sound with the exception that the profile upon an oscilloscope shows the troughs of one pattern correspond perfectly to the crests of the other, and vice versa. The result, from an auditory point of view, is a perfect silence, which may account for the fact that the nullitron has waited so long to be discovered.
In respect to taste, the nullitron, despite its striking red hue, has a distinct flavour of liquorice, while the anti-nullitron tastes like nothing so much as the unripe juice of the juniper. Further investigations are being carried out in this fruitful field, and already manufacturers of dietetic foods have expressed interest in the possible commercial uses. The chief problem confronting industry is the extraction of nullitrons from their 'potential field' in sufficient quantity.
Of the possible employment in warfare (and particularly whether a 'nullitron bomb' is feasible at this point or in the near future) nothing can be said with any confidence.
One of the most curious aspects of the nullitron was its relatively short life. In all cases observed the nullitron was instantly and utterly annihilated at the moment of its creation. This was not apparent during the early investigations, because the demolished nullitron, is instantly replaced by another, identical, nullitron, indistinguishable from its 'parent' in all respects.
The first task which presented itself to the investigators after the discovery of the nullitron, was the splitting of the nullitron into subparticles. This experiment consisted simply of catching nullitrons and hurling them with considerable force against a floor. While too little energy in the Nullitron 'beam' thus formed can cause a troublesome wobble, too much force will result in excessive bouncing -- the by-now-well-known 'Bounce Effect'. This troublesome elasticity is most easily overcome by first embedding the nullitron in a casing of pi-mesons and then 'letting Nature take its course'.
While over seventeen thousand separate types of sub-nullitronic particles have been discovered by this method as of the time of this report, the difficulty in distinguishing between these different types was great, since all the different subtypes created by this method appeared to be identical.
Clearly, a more sophisticated approach was needed.
The method finally arrived at by trial and error was as follows: While one investigator holds the nullitron in both his hands, the other investigator either sits upon it or strikes it a sharp blow with a molybdenum hammer. Two main categories of sub-null particles are thus produced; the 'sit-upons' and the 'others'.
The 'sit-upons' consist of isons (small, blue and round); nisons (smaller, two-dimensional particles of a curious rice-colour); and null-nison (extremely tiny, orange, and of fanciful shapes).
The 'others' are more varied, failing into two main subgroupings: the isotrons and the phlogistons. The isotrons are medium-sized ovoid semimassless particles which upon creation can be observed to tend immediately to the nearest light source and buzz about it until swatted or consumed by anti-isotrons.
Countless 'other' particles were observed, ranging in size from 1/8 inch to the great phlogistons, which are fully, 1,800,000 kilometres in diameter, though in mass equivalent to an electron. Only one phlogiston has been produced experimentally. This particle, being photophiliac, sped immediately towards the sun at an estimated velocity of 0.9 the speed of light.
The single phlogiston produced in this last, and definitive experiment may eventually afford us an explanation of the nature of matter. On its collision with the sun, the phlogiston was annihilated, as well as the sun, and a number of interesting photographs were taken.
While it is still too early to begin speculating on this phenomenon, one may look forward to the day when, with a fuller understanding of the wonderful nullitron, we shall possess a new and more comprehensive explanation of the nature of Our 'solar system', if not of 'matter' itself.
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