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Paté Biscuit and Bongo

[The Three Little Kittens] [The Adventures of Fairy Bluebell]

Excerpts from the book
Bedtime Stories with Paté Biscuit (and Bongo),
Angus & Robertson Publishers, Australia, 1990.

The Three Little Kittens

A story by Shaun Micallef

Once upon a time there lived three little kittens.

The three little kittens were called Douglas, Gary and Murray and they were as happy and as playful as could be expected given their assorted and various physical disabilities.

One day the three little kittens asked Mummy kitten if they could lay outside in the garden.

'Yeah OK,' said Mummy kitten, 'just make sure you don't lose them gloves I gived youse'.

The three little kittens nodded their heads vigorously and tore off in search of fun and adventure amidst the rusted out old fridges and piles of garbage littering the backyard.

Gaily they scampered about dismembering dead sparrows and sniffing each other's bums when all of a sudden they found themselves next door in Mean Mister Miser's garden!!!

Mean Mister Miser was a terrible man who hated the three little kittens. Mummy kitten was forever warning them to stay away from him for he owned Fluff, a savage doberman who would think nothing of upholstering his kennel with their bloody carcasses.

Douglas, Gary and Murray made for the fence but it was too late. There was Fluff, teeth bared and drooling hideously.

'Time ... to ... die', he said.

The three little kittens shot ninja-like up into the tree behind them causing Fluff to spin around yapping furiously.

Douglas, the kitten with one eye, held onto his branch very tightly and tried to think of a plan. 'We must do something to stop Fluff barking', he said.

'Yeah, if Mean Mister Miser comes out', added Gary, the kitten who had recently been spayed, 'he'll get ever so cross and take our mittens'.

'Bugger the mittens!' screamed Murray, the kitten with no legs, and the vivisection scars on his stomach. 'What the hell's he gonna do to us!!!'

Well, Fluff kept barking and barking and barking and barking and barking and barking so that finally a neighbour complained to the council and a Dog Control Officer was sent around with a slug gun.

'Now we can make good our escape', yelled Douglas.

And so the three little kittens, with Douglas and Gary pulling Murray on a trolley, sneaked past the bleeding and inert form of Fluff and made their way home to Mummy kitten who was so happy that they had not lost their mittens that she baked them a pie with an enormous dead rat inside.

The Adventures of Fairy Bluebell

A story by Glynn Nicholas.

Hello children, Bongo is here with me as usual, and we would like to say a big thankyou to Alice, who so kindly sent in a beautiful pearl necklace. I've let Bongo borrow it, just for today's story.

No Bongo, I distinctly told you, I want it back as soon as we've finished the story.

So, thankyou Alice, it was very kind of you. Now today's story is called The Adventures of Fairy Bluebell.

Once upon a time there lived a magic fairy called Bluebell. She lived in Aunty Mary's back garden with her other friends, Fairy Floss, Fairy Nuff and the three naughty fairies Itchy Ritchie, Timmy Wimmie and Pauly Dribblypants.

Aunty Mary was very kind. She was also very, very forgetful. She would bake a cake and forget to take it out of the oven, she would forget to put the cornflakes in the bowl and she would forget that fairies are not immune to DDT.

Early one morning just as the sun was rising Fairy Bluebell decided she would visit her friends in Dingle Dell Wood.

Bluebell was very pretty, curvaceous and only three inches tall. She was also a translucent fairy and rarely wore undergarments.

No, Bongo, I said translucent! Who told you those naughty words? Well you can tell Humphrey he's in big trouble.

As she was flipping from branch to branch Bluebell saw a large, wide mushroom growing under the old oak tree. She decided to take a closer look.

Being every so light she hopped onto the top of the mushroom and found it was soft, damp and slippery.

What was that Bongo? I want you to stay away from that bear!

'How marvellous!' thought Bluebell. 'A mushroom slippery dick ... dip', excuse me. And she climbed to the top then slid all the way to the bottom over and over.

Unknown to Bluebell, there were two children who lived nearby named Nicky and johnny. They were very well behaved most of the time, but sometimes they didn't listen to their Mummy when she told them not to wander far from home in case they were to fall down the disused mineshaft. Nicky and Johnny were watching Bluebell from a safe distance and were so enchanted by the sight of her on the mushroom that they ran all the way home to tell their Mummy.

Well, nearly all the way home. They got as far as the mineshaft.

Their bodies were never found so we can't show you a picture, children.

Meanwhile, back in her garden Aunty Mary was spraying the roses.

And what do you think she was spraying them with? That's right. And who can spell the word NEUROTOXIN?

Fairy Floss and Fairy Nuff were sleeping when the poison hit them. They didn't feel a thing. But for the three naughty fairies it was a slow painful end.

When Bluebell got home and found her dead friends, she was so upset she went screaming into Aunty Mary's kitchen and made a big fuss!

Aunty Mary had no time for a petulant fairy so she flushed Bluebell down the toilet and thought nothing more of it.

And that was the end of Bluebell and the end of the story.

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