I
am
the
Very
Model
of
a
Usenet
Personality
Song
by
Tom
Holt,
from
a
newgroup
posting
dated
1998/03/07
I
am
the
very
model
of
a
usenet
personality.
I
intersperse
obscenity
with
tedious
banality.
Addresses
I
have
plenty
of,
both
genuine
and
ghosted
too,
On
all
the
countless
newgroups
that
my
drivel
is
cross-posted
to.
Your
bandwidth
I
will
fritter
with
my
whining
and
my
snivelling,
And
you're
the
one
who
pays
the
bill,
downloading
all
my
drivelling.
My
enemies
are
numerous,
and
no-one
would
be
blaming
you
For
cracking
my
head
open
after
I've
been
rudely
flaming
you.
I
hate
to
lose
an
argument
(by
now
I
should
be
used
to
it).
I
wouldn't
know
a
valid
point
if
I
was
introduced
to
it.
My
learning
is
extensive
but
consists
of
mindless
trivia,
Designed
to
fan
my
ego,
which
is
larger
than
Bolivia.
The
comments
that
I
vomit
forth,
disguised
as
jest
and
drollery,
Are
really
just
an
exercise
in
unremitting
trollery.
I
say
I'm
plain
and
simple,
but
that's
merely
lies
and
vanity,
The
gibberings
of
one
who's
at
the
limits
of
his
sanity.
If
only
I
could
get
a
life,
as
many
people
tell
me
to;
If
only
Mom
could
find
a
circus
freak-show
she
could
sell
me
to;
If
I
go
off
to
Zanzibar
to
paint
the
local
scenery;
If
I
lose
all
my
fingers
in
a
mishap
with
machinery;
If
I
survive
to
twenty,
which
is
somewhat
problematical;
If
what
I
post
was
more
mature,
or
slightly
more
grammatical;
If
I
could
learn
to
spell
a
bit,
and
maybe
even
punctuate;
Would
I
still
be
the
loathsome
and
objectionable
punk
you
hate?
But
while
I
have
this
tiresome
urge
to
prance
around
and
show
my
face,
It
simply
isn't
safe
for
normal
people
here
in
cyberspace.
To
stick
me
in
Old
Sparky
and
turn
on
the
electricity
Would
be
a
fitting
punishment
for
all
my
plain
simplicity.