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MP3 excerpt of sketch (584 Kbyte)
[SFX: Church bell ringing]
Preacher: "Welcome, Brothers and Sisters, to Worshippers-'R'-Us, the first church of all denominations. Please open your generic prayer-books and pray along with me as you stand, sit, kneel, face Mecca or dance."
All: "O large person or persons of whatever gender or branch of the animal kingdom, who did something great and is now someplace where we aren't, please forgive us for whatever you deem bad, and help us to do whatever strikes you as good, whether that be to work hard, eat no pork, or wage a holy war. Grant us whatever you tend to grant, unless you don't interfere with earthly concerns. Watch over us, or save us from evil, or let us find out for ourselves, or damn us randomly. Amen. Praise Allah. Have a nice day."
Preacher: May the being, as you define him, her or it, be with you.
Congregation: And also with you.
Preacher: Let us give thanks for (a) divine intervention or (b) divine abstention.
Congregation: It is right to give him or her thanks and praise.
Preacher: May peace dwell here amongst us and [loudly] keep us free from war!
Congregation: [Sort of unison grunt] Uh!
Preacher: [Animately] What's it good for?
Congregation: [Bored unison] Absolutely nothing.
Preacher: [Animately] Say it again! [Pause, then more conversationally] Brothers and Sisters, last thursday during our annual Baptist-jihad-barbecue, I was flipping the meatless kosher hydroponically-grown food product on the grill, when a stranger approached me. He asked me, "Why bother? Why bother trying to organise a religion which synthesises all faiths and beliefs? Why bother organising weekly prayer-fiesta-sword-dances?" Why bother? But then I hearkened back to the origin of all our religions, of all our faiths, and I gave unto him the answer, the answer that has sustained all religions can also sustain us. Why bother? Just 'cause!"
"Now before we christen the babies, walk over burning coals, form a human pyramid and proceed out to the street corners to chant for spare change, I'd like to make a few announcements. Next Sunday is young Mazimoro Kyoto's bar-mitzvah-confirmation. We'll be down at the river at sunset, dunking him in the waters, circumcising him with a stick, and chopping off his hands for stealing. So come on down and wish him well. There will be self-flagellation and coffee served in the friendship room afterwards. Mrs Edmonds?
[SFX: electric organ music]
All [singing]: "Some think he's a rock, or a big cosmic clock, some think he's a bug that just hovered. Some think he's a bird, and idea or a turd, but at least we've got our asses covered. Amen. Praise Allah. Have a nice day.
[See also: some Generic Last Rites by Roger Zelanzy]
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